Baby · Uncategorized

Purpose

I started writing this title last week.. and it really was a big topic for me during those days. I was adamant to find my purpose – other than being a Mum. I spent days writing lists and trying to think of things that defined me, things that I got joy from such as yoga, writing, photography and painting.. what did I stand for? ..what are my interests? ya da ya da.

It’s so odd that I reflect a week later on this and I’m slowly getting appreciation for this time in my life right now. I took a breath and realised there’s no point in panicking just because I felt like motherhood has taken over my whole being. Motherhood has in fact taken up most of my time – but I realise this is just for a very short period in my life that it will be so full on and that I should cherish it.

The funny thing is also that as soon as I relaxed and stepped back from searching for what else I had on in my life I was able to see that in fact I have a huge amount of hobbies and things I love. It’s just at the moment it’s really difficult to squeeze these things in. The day does just go by and often I’m sleep deprived. If we can feed, sleep and keep a tidy house while also getting out on a daily basis for something social and a walk then this is probably good enough for now.

I just need to work on being calm and enjoying the moment I think.

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Sleep deprivation

I can’t help but ask the question why my little baby finds it so difficult to sleep when other mums seem to be fine. I mean we’re all sleep deprived to some degree but I find that we’re lagging particularly far behind.

It’s not uncommon to be waking every hour during the night to feed, nappy change and then settle (which takes another hour in itself).

If we get three hours in a row it’s a worthy fist pump.

We’ve tried swaddling, dummy sucking, fist sucking, medications, rocking, swinging the hammock, bathing before bed, changing into pyjamas, walking, singing, laying together.. it’s all just attempts to find the sleep magic – whether or not it will result in the desired outcome is all concluded by how baby feels in this particular evening.

What’s the magic touch and why is it that some babies just sleep while others simply don’t.

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The essence of time

It’s a whole new concept now.

There’s no real rushing to be at a certain place at a certain time – as hard as I try it’s inevitable that it won’t happen.

We’ve had two times where we’re set to go and I find myself sitting in a carpark breast feeding in the backseat of the car, boob hanging out bearing all.. and I honestly don’t care. All I want is for her to stop crying and when slowly the calm silence sets in I breathe, sit and take the moments to just be.

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A day

It’s not the typical day you’d have at the office when you’re a mum, and I say this when I’m only a mum of one – for those mamma’s with more than one darling to feed I take my hat off to you. Some days you nail it and other days you just don’t. You’ve no control of your routine and your new boss doesn’t even know what they want.

The day can go oh so quickly and sometimes I get plenty done and other times I get absolutely nothing done. Today we did lots and I’m proud of that, it means there’s still hope for a functional life at some stage.

We made it to a new coffee group today, I didn’t enjoy it as much as my established one. However, we went along – meeting new Mum’s is kind of like speed dating for friendships.. you suss out the age of their baby, where they live (travel distance means time and more coordination) what they do (a bit judgemental I know) and their basic parenting philosophy.

We visited my sister and saw her new house. It’s beautiful and large and has so much potential for renovations. Her daughter has taken on the role of big cousin and is delighted by the baby with her favourite quote “look at the baby, look at the baby” and my favourite “my mummy feed me boobie too”. It seems like yesterday she was the size of my little baby now.

And after our day of social visits we drove home, where feeling rather in control of how well things had gone I thought why not pop into the pharmacy. Here’s to say it did not happen and I begin to realise the simple errands in life sometimes even are not possible now.

It’s a matter of sitting back and going with the flow. Accepting the lack of control over getting things done and being organised, and celebrating the wins.

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It’s real

Mum life is everything I wanted it to be. I’m truly blessed. Beautiful healthy baby girl, amazing supportive husband and even the white little dog to go with it.

To be honest – I couldn’t wish for more.

There’s just the truth to it though that sleep and lack of it really impacts your ability to function. It’s exactly how every other mum before makes it out to be also.. you just don’t know how to carry on at times, but you do. There’s this strength you find inside to just keep going – it’s probably that you’ve no choice.

I often find myself just blankly staring into a world of nothing where I’m to scared to close my eyes for the mere fact that I can’t predict when I’ll need to open them again. So instead I just stay awake, and eat and sit, waiting for my next duty call.