Tonight I feel so virtuous.
With the quiet night soaking through my veins, I almost feel so grateful for this one moment of peace, am I going dotty but I feel about as blissful as in a day spa – This is all because the little darling is in her cot, and, not screaming, and, it’s only 7:30pm. Will my nights be this easy going forward? Was it really just a phase that everyone mumbles so easily off the tip of their ‘been there done that’ oh so know it all, tongues.
Well tonight I feel like I’m winning. I had time to make myself scrambled eggs on toast. Yes time to make myself dinner and actually sit down to eat it. It’s a success. Does this mean that things are finally getting easier? I’m not quite in the mood for smiling about it – probably as tiredness has overruled my ability to feel any form of excitement right now, in fact I don’t think I can even muster up the energy to have my cheek muscles move into a smile. Gosh, how much of a grinch have I turned into.
Am I a bad mum for just wanting, so badly.., to have this “me time”. Ha when did me time become sitting down to eat. It’s really come to that huh. Maybe those other mums before me weren’t so crazy after all when they spoke of going to the toilet as if it was a luxury. Yup, I get it now.
Perhaps it’s just a case of adapting now, adapting to this new found way of living – on no sleep! – It’s a different feeling to that when you’ve pulled an all nighter though, I’ll give you that. It’s a much deeper sleep deprevation. It’s like when you breathe you want to shut your eyes at the same time and open your mouth to swallow some sleep. You can’t cure yourself with a simple litre of orange juice and fried up bacon, well it does still taste good but boy oh boy it doesn’t hit the spot like it used to. Camomile tea to calm the mind and eggs on toast to full the stomach. Is this the new normal?