Baby

Scrambled Eggs on Toast & Peace

Tonight I feel so virtuous.

It’s like I’m at a day spa and it’s all because the little darling is in her cot and not screaming and it’s 7:30pm.

I had time to make myself scrambled eggs on toast. And sit and write this. It’s a success. Does this mean that things are finally getting easier? I’m not quite in the mood for smiling about it – one being for tiredness has overruled my ability to feel excited right now and two, ‘touch wood and all that’ – will it last?

I also wonder am I a bad mum for just wanting so bad to have this me time. And when did me time become sitting down to eat. It’s really come to that. The smiles do make it a heck of a lot easier, this is true, but the motherhood journey is hard and sometimes I just want to shut my eyes and zone out from responsibilities but then I reflect and feel like a horrible mother – is this normal I wonder.

I do think a week on from last, I’m slightly more energised though. Perhaps this is just a case of learning to live when I’m so exhausted though. It’s a different feeling to that when you’ve pulled an all nighter it’s a much deeper sleep deprevation. Your body doesn’t feel better if you gulp down a litre of orange juice and fry up some bacon, well it does but it’s not fixed as much. Camomile tea and eggs on toast to full the stomach and calm the nerves is what it’s about now.

 

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Sleep deprivation

I can’t help but ask the question why my little baby finds it so difficult to sleep when other mums seem to be fine. I mean we’re all sleep deprived to some degree but I find that we’re lagging particularly far behind.

It’s not uncommon to be waking every hour during the night to feed, nappy change and then settle (which takes another hour in itself).

If we get three hours in a row it’s a worthy fist pump.

We’ve tried swaddling, dummy sucking, fist sucking, medications, rocking, swinging the hammock, bathing before bed, changing into pyjamas, walking, singing, laying together.. it’s all just attempts to find the sleep magic – whether or not it will result in the desired outcome is all concluded by how baby feels in this particular evening.

What’s the magic touch and why is it that some babies just sleep while others simply don’t.

Gestational Diabetes

Gestational Diabetes

The day before our wedding I found out I had gestational diabetes.

I was devastated. I’d been eating so healthy and doing fitness, how could this be.

Two weeks after our wedding I found out I was required to take insulin 4 times a day.

This was such an added challenge to pregnancy. I had to watch everything I ate. No sugar and even small portions. I had no energy and I had to grow this precious little baby.

I now sit here with this gorgeous bundle sprawled across my chest. She’s here. She’s healthy.  I made it.

Now my challenge is breast feeding and the constant hunger that comes with it bundled with the package of exhaustion from no sleep. I look back on my pregnancy and wonder how I simply had so much self control not to eat sugar and to keep to a healthy diet – and I feel blessed, knowing that I was able to do it then means I can surely continue to do it now.

Gestational Diabetes was a right pain at the time but in reflection it taught me I could cut sugar and survive.

 

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The essence of time

It’s a whole new concept now.

There’s no real rushing to be at a certain place at a certain time – as hard as I try it’s inevitable that it won’t happen.

We’ve had two times where we’re set to go and I find myself sitting in a carpark breast feeding in the backseat of the car, boob hanging out bearing all.. and I honestly don’t care. All I want is for her to stop crying and when slowly the calm silence sets in I breathe, sit and take the moments to just be.

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A day

It’s not the typical day you’d have at the office when you’re a mum, and I say this when I’m only a mum of one – for those mamma’s with more than one darling to feed I take my hat off to you. Some days you nail it and other days you just don’t. You’ve no control of your routine and your new boss doesn’t even know what they want.

The day can go oh so quickly and sometimes I get plenty done and other times I get absolutely nothing done. Today we did lots and I’m proud of that, it means there’s still hope for a functional life at some stage.

We made it to a new coffee group today, I didn’t enjoy it as much as my established one. However, we went along – meeting new Mum’s is kind of like speed dating for friendships.. you suss out the age of their baby, where they live (travel distance means time and more coordination) what they do (a bit judgemental I know) and their basic parenting philosophy.

We visited my sister and saw her new house. It’s beautiful and large and has so much potential for renovations. Her daughter has taken on the role of big cousin and is delighted by the baby with her favourite quote “look at the baby, look at the baby” and my favourite “my mummy feed me boobie too”. It seems like yesterday she was the size of my little baby now.

And after our day of social visits we drove home, where feeling rather in control of how well things had gone I thought why not pop into the pharmacy. Here’s to say it did not happen and I begin to realise the simple errands in life sometimes even are not possible now.

It’s a matter of sitting back and going with the flow. Accepting the lack of control over getting things done and being organised, and celebrating the wins.

Baby

What’s next

I’m a list maker and box ticker.

You know what this means – I achieve one thing and I’m onto the next.

Having a beautiful baby has always been on my list. However, now she’s peacefully sleeping (at long last) I’m thinking and searching my mind for what’s next. I don’t mean today or tomorrow I mean in the grand scheme of things. What am I set out to achieve next. The worst thing is, this is such a beautiful moment in time where I can justify laying on the couch all day between feeds and nappy changes (it has truly been a day where she’s a miracle baby) but I’m far to anxious to relax. Too anxious that she’ll soon wake and my responsibilities resume so instead of infact relaxing, I’m thinking – thinking about what to put on my list to do next.

 

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It’s real

Mum life is everything I wanted it to be. I’m truly blessed. Beautiful healthy baby girl, amazing supportive husband and even the white little dog to go with it.

To be honest – I couldn’t wish for more.

There’s just the truth to it though that sleep and lack of it really impacts your ability to function. It’s exactly how every other mum before makes it out to be also.. you just don’t know how to carry on at times, but you do. There’s this strength you find inside to just keep going – it’s probably that you’ve no choice.

I often find myself just blankly staring into a world of nothing where I’m to scared to close my eyes for the mere fact that I can’t predict when I’ll need to open them again. So instead I just stay awake, and eat and sit, waiting for my next duty call.